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"If a man so deserves, his wife is his ally; if he does not deserve, she is his enemy".
-The Babylonian Talmud

"If you treat your husband like a King, then you are a Queen. If you treat him like a floor mop, then you're a wet rag".
-Yiddish Folk Expression

The Havah Factor

by James Pyles

Being a guy, I can only write this from a male perspective so If I miss a point or misrepresent something about marriage or marital roles, feel free to and share with me what I could have said better.

"Havah" as some of you may not know, is the name for Adam's "Eve". That is, in the Tanakh (Old Testament) in Beresheet (the book of Genesis), in Hebrew instead of Adam and Eve, it's Adam and Havah. The idea for this article has several sources but the primary Biblical one is in Genesis 2:18:

HaShem G-d said, "It is not good that man be alone; I will make him a helper corresponding to him.

I emphasized the last four words on purpose because the meaning of the text in English doesn't render quite the same meaning as it does in Hebrew. I've heard both Christian and Jewish commentaries on this verse and its implications within the bounds of marriage. Before going further along this track, I want to back up a bit.

Ephesians 5:21-24: Submit to one another in fear of the Messiah. Wives should submit to their husbands as they do to the L-rd; because the husband is the head of the wife, just as the Messiah, as head of the Messianic Community (church), is himself the one who keeps the body safe. Just as the Messianic Community submits to the Messiah, so also wives submit to their husbands in everything.

Most married couples (and certainly most husbands) are very aware of these Biblical verses and as I mentioned in a previous article, Neither Jew Nor Greek, these verses are among the most misused. Verses 25 through 33 go on to describe the husband's responsibilities to the wife (loving her as the Messiah loved the Messianic Community, "even unto death", in part) and how this describes both the marital relationship and the relationship between the Messiah and the believer, however this presupposes that both parties are doing their job.

Since the Messiah doesn't fail to hold up his end of the relationship, if it falls apart, it's because of a failure on the part of the believer. In the marital relationship, either party or both can possibly not meet their responsibilities. What happens then? Let's say for example, that the husband as head of the household (as Yeshua is head of the believing community, since wives are directed to submit to husbands on that basis) doesn't fulfill his responsibilites? Is his wife simply helpless to respond to this? Is the expectation that the wife is to pray and turn the situation over to the Almighty?

I've been in Christian Bible studies where the "classic" questions are asked. "What if the husband is abusive?" "What if the husband cheats on his wife?" "What if the husband is a drunk?" Well, believe it or not, the wife does have a Biblical avenue of response beyond what some people might consider.

I'm not a linguist at all but I know a few. I also found just the right linguistic resource on the web (I'll give you the hyperlink in a minute). Here's a slightly different translation of Genesis 2:18:

And YHWH G-d said, "It is not good for the human to be alone.  I will make for him a help corresponding to him.

The words are bolded here because the English translation doesn't carry the full meaning of the words in Hebrew. Take the word "help" for example. Some Bibles translate the term as "helpmate" which implies a partner of lesser statue or authority. Sort of like Robin to Batman or Tonto to the Lone Ranger. A trusty sidekick. A misuse of Ephesians 5:21-24 certainly supports this idea. However, the word we read as "help" in English is the word k'negdo in Hebrew. The root of k'negdo is neged which carries the meaning of "in front of" or "in opposition". In opposition? An "opponent"? Just what's up with that?

The most straightforward way of translating k'negdo into English is according to what is in front of him which ends up in most Bibles being something like ...a helper corresponding to him. Let's change the verse around a bit:

And HaShem G-d said "It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make for him an opponent according to what is in front of him.

That sounds confusing, harsh, or both. Now let's go back to the question of what happens when a husband doesn't fulfill his Biblical responsiblities in the marriage (I'll add "and in parenthood" since married couples tend to have kids). How are wives supposed to respond? Would you be surprised to find that wives actually have a responsibility to respond that is defined by Genesis 2:18?

This may seem like midrash (opinion or commentary) on my part, but if it is, I'm in the company of at least some Christian and Jewish commentators. When the husband is behaving as the head of the family in the same manner as Yeshua is the head of the believing community, then the wife submits to him as the believing community submits to the Messiah (and actually Ephesians 5:21 states that believers are supposed to submit to each other (gender neutral) in fear of the Messiah. However, if the husband does not meet his "messianic" role in the family, the wife has a responsibility to oppose him and set him straight.

According to the famed Rashi's (well-known and respected 11th century Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaqi) commentary on this verse, If the man is worthy, the woman will be a helper; if he is unworthy, she will be against him. The Stone Edition of the Chumash further states in commentary:

Many have noted that that the ideal marriage is not necessarily one of total agreement in all matters. Often it is the wife's responsibility to oppose her husband and prevent him from acting rashly, or to help him achieve a common course by questioning, criticizing, and discussing. Thus this verse means literally that there are times a wife can best be a helper by being against him.

Some of you fellows out there probably feel that your wives treat you that way all the time and don't seem to have a lot of "submissive" type behaviors going for them. I know that a spouse can use a rebuke for unkind reasons. Sometimes, a "correction" is an excuse to beat up on someone, so the next time your wife says a cross word to you, consider a few things before responding.

Take a moment to ask yourself if there is something you could be doing to better fulfill your Biblical role in the home. Consider your wife's motivation in her statements to you. Could she be correct in her rebuke? This has to be an honest question to yourself with an honest answer attached. Don't assume she's just out to get you but at the same time, don't accept responsibility for a situation you aren't responsible for. Both you and your wife are human and equally capable of having wrong motivations for your actions.

Remember this though; if the husband and father falls down on the job, the only other spouse and parent around to pick up the slack is the wife. How many times for instance, have you seen a mother, aunt, or grandmother bringing their children (nieces, nephews, grandchildren...you get the idea) to church or synagogue while their male counterpart is at home working in the garage or watching a ball game on TV? Women seem to have a built-in drive to carry the family spiritually when the man isn't fulfilling that role. I'm suggesting that drive was built-in by the Almighty.

I haven't been the perfect husband or father; far from it, so I can speak from experience. My wife has had many opportunities to be a Genesis 2:18 Havah to my Adam. I haven't always listened. After all, who wants to listen when you're being rebuked for not doing what G-d and your family expects you to be doing? That's no excuse, though. As in all the other ways we sometimes fail G-d, in order to maintain our relationship with Him, with our families, and with our faith communities, we must recognize those failures, turn from them (repent), and do a better job.

Having a relationship with Yeshua is a life long journey. We live it day by day. Paul expressed it this way when he was near the end of his life:

2 Timothy 4:6-8: As for me, I am already being poured out on the altar; yes, the time for my departure has arrived. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. All that awaits me now is the crown of righteousness which the L-rd, "the Righteous Judge", will award to me on that Day...and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for him to appear.

Part of that life long journey with our Master and our Messiah is a life long journey with our wives. There is an intimate connection between our life as a believer and our life as a husband and father. "The Havah Factor" from Genesis 2:18 is one of the ways the Almighty sends us a message when we start taking a detour from the path that's been set before us. The next time your wife says "We need to talk", listen.

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